A Bunch Of New Year’s Promises?

With 2012 upon us, and the “Apocalypse clock” ticking (insert laughter here), I’m sure there are a throng of fans out there hoping for a quick turnaround to the Buffalo Sabres‘ woes (insert more laughter here?).

We can all hope that as the clock struck midnight Saturday night, every member of that underachieving team down at One Seymour Knox III Plaza (management included) made some New Year’s resolutions with regard to their spotty performances.

JHONAS ENROTH…to kneel before the goalpost gods, and offer my thanks.

JORDAN LEOPOLD…to continue my strong play, in light of the “2006 playoff injury curse” that has plagued my teammates this season.

MIKE WEBER…to never be a healthy scratch again.

CODY McCORMICK…to finally push a puck across the goal line because, really, what else have I basically done so far?

DEREK ROY…to offer myself up as a sacrificial lamb, and be the first player traded out of here this season. (Wait, I didn’t say that!)

CHRISTIAN EHRHOFF…to get healthy, and clean up that atrocious minus 11 rating, because, well, damn!

MARC-ANDRE GRAGNANI…to actually hit someone in the corner for once because defensemen are supposed to do th…oh, who am I kidding?

DREW STAFFORD…to realize my dream of joining the Ice Capades, and quit hockey altogether. (Hey, Roysie, I think someone’s putting words in our mouths!)

BRAD BOYES…to continue to make it easy for management to walk away from me at the end of the season.

VILLE LEINO…Oh, I don’t even know where to begin. Can I turn back time?

ROBYN REGEHR…Wait, why the hell did I agree to a trade to this “team”? Ville, let me use your time machine when you’re done with it, will ya?

THOMAS VANEK…to beg Darcy Regier for some help, because me and Pommer can’t do it alone. (I have 20% of my team’s goals this season, in case anyone cares)

PAUL GAUSTAD…why would I change anything? I’m saving management a ton of money if they choose to offer me a contract because, with my lack of physical presence and only three goals, I really don’t think I’m worth another $2.3 million per year. Right?

JASON POMINVILLE…to tell Mr. Pegula how embarrassed I am, as captain of the SS Sinking Ship, that we can’t seem to find a way to right this boat.

RYAN MILLER…to stop dreaming about the bright lights of Hollywood.

PATRICK KALETA…to find some better aim when I’m trying to line somebody up for that big hit.

MATT ELLIS…to find a spell that can transfer Drew Stafford’s skill into my body, to go with my huge, competitive heart.

NATHAN GERBE…not if I can get to him first, Ellis!

ANDREJ SEKERA…a little consistency, for cripes sakes. Is that too much to ask? (I did win the Max Kaminski trophy as the OHL’s most outstanding defenseman my final year of junior hockey, didn’t I?)

ZACK KASSIAN…to find my way back into coach Ruff’s lineup, and never come out of it again!

JOCHEN HECHT…to center the second or third line, because if I keep centering our top line, then we are in some serious trouble, aren’t we? (Actually, this falls on you, Darcy!)

TYLER MYERS…to not be tentative upon my return from injury, lest I turn into the next Henrik Tallinder.

TYLER ENNIS…to find some ankles that work.

LUKE ADAM…to finally ask coach Ruff why the hell he took me off the top line. (Actually, he uses Roy on the point on the power play, so maybe the old man has finally lost it)

BRAYDEN McNABB…to force management into a decision. (Hey, Reggie, pack your bags bro!)

LINDY RUFF…to hold Regier at gun point until he gets some competitive spirit and winning attitudes on this team!

DARCY REGIER…to beg Lindy not to shoot.

TED BLACK…to finally convey my boss’s thoughts, that “enough is enough!”.

TERRY PEGULA…to tell these slugs that they are using the visitor’s locker room down at the FNC until they get their heads outta their…I mean, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

TIM CONNOLLY…(wait, huh?). Yep, the (sarcastically) Tin Man here, making a special appearance. On behalf of all the injuries that have been bestowed on the Buffalo Sabres this season, I will not lift the curse I have placed on this team, until the author of this post ceases and desists calling me by that name.

I’m sorry, Timmy. I will not reference you, or your pitiful existence in a Sabres uniform ever again, with the “Tin Man” moniker. Henceforth, you will be known as “the player who was traded for Michael Peca, who had all the talent in the world, and could have been so much more, but refused to put it all on the line every night, therefore leaving fans and critics no choice but to bash you mercilessly at every chance they got”.

Here’s to some changes down at the First Niagara Center, and a better 2012 for this pathetic Buffalo Sabres team.

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