Five Ridiculous NHL Predictions Guaranteed to Come True!
NHL Hockey’s back, baby!
And with it comes the optimism, the speculation, the rankings, the predictions, and more predictions!
Oct 1, 2013; Chicago, IL, USA; The Chicago Blackhawks celebrate a victory against the Washington Capitals at the United Center. The Blackhawks beat the Capitals 6-4. Mandatory Credit: Rob Grabowski-USA TODAY Sports
I like to think I’m above the lunacy that makes certain sports writers churn out predictions that are nothing more than wild shots in the dark, but I’m not. I’m just as much an attention whore as anyone . . . but I refuse to go the safe route and make the obvious picks!
No siree – no easy way out here! I’m the sort of guys who eschews the elevator and takes the stairs (not true), leaves the car in the driveway and walks to work (should be true, considering how close I live to my place of employment – but not true), and climbs down the outside of my house instead of using the stairs (which would be totally cool if it were true in the least). Here, then, are my five ridiculous picks that are absolutely guaranteed to come true during the 2013-2014 NHL season!
Read on – if you dare!
The Anaheim Ducks Will Win The Stanley Cup in 2014
Sep 28, 2013; Anaheim, CA, USA; Anaheim Ducks celebrate after a goal by Anaheim Ducks center
Kyle Palmieri(21) against the San Jose Sharks during the third period at Honda Center. The San Jose Sharks defeated the Anaheim Ducks 6-5. Mandatory Credit: Kelvin Kuo-USA TODAY Sports
How can I go wrong with this pick? After all, parity has leveled the playing field in the NHL enough that a number 8 seed won it all back in 2012 (those pesky Los Angeles Kings), making the Ducks are as good a pick as any to bring the hardware home. They have solid goaltending, a bruising style of play, and the ability to both score and defend (the Ducks were one of only three teams to rank among the top ten in both goals scored and goals against last year).
And they won’t have to play the Detroit Red Wings in the playoffs this year! (Yes, I’m still bitter that the Red Wings knocked Anaheim out of the playoffs last year!)
What’s that? You’re concerned that the Ducks will miss Bobby Ryan, who is now playing for the Ottawa Senators? Relax – Anaheim picked up Dustin Penner via free agency, he of the 6’4″, 247 lbs. frame. He may not score as much as Ryan, but he provides timely scoring (especially in the playoffs) and will do his best to make it tough to score for opposing teams.
So how can I go wrong with this pick? Because it’s the ANAHEIM DUCKS. Moving on.
An NHL Player Will Die During a Game, and the NHL Still Won’t Ban Fighting
The writing is on the wall, folks: today’s NHL players are bigger and faster than ever, and thanks to the NHL’s laughable attempts to “discipline” players
Sep 22, 2013; Toronto, Ontario, CAN; Toronto Maple Leafs forward
Phil Kessel(81) skates away from Buffalo Sabres forward
Brian Flynn(65) after a fight during the third period at the Air Canada Centre. Toronto defeated Buffalo 5-3. Mandatory Credit: John E. Sokolowski-USA TODAY Sports
such as Phil “The Lumberjack” Kessel, these players now carry weapons of mass concussion every time they take the ice. Big guy coming to take you down? Show him your best Game of Thrones impersonation! Then, wait until he’s distracted by your teammates, and spear him! Squeal, pig!
Between the dangerous cross-checking, body-launching head shots, and being given the greenlight to wield your stick as a Light Saber, the NHL is set to become gladiators on ice. A friend of mine at work (shhhh-he’s a Toronto Maple Leafs fan, and he’s likable!) said it best: “It’s going to take somebody getting killed.” I would posit even that won’t be enough! You’re all going to see soon enough, though, so there’s no sense in debating it now.
A Buffalo Sabres Rookie Will Win the Calder Memorial Trophy
Sep 19, 2013; Buffalo, NY, USA; Buffalo Sabres left wing
Johan Larsson(22) brings puck into the zone against the Carolina Hurricanes during the second period at First Niagara Center. Mandatory Credit: Kevin Hoffman-USA TODAY Sports
I categorize this prediction as “ridiculous” because pretty much no one in the NHL thinks very highly of the Buffalo Sabres any more. Forget the fact that the Sabres rock one of the best sweaters in all of hockey; starting with the Buffaslug, everyone in the NHL decided they were better than the Sabres, and have been looking down their noses at the boys from the 716 ever since. The Sabres have done everything, including publicly executing the guy who designed the Buffaslug, but all to no avail.
That’s all about to change, however, as one of the Sabres’ highly-coveted prospects will out-perform every other rookie in the NHL this season and bring the Calder back where it belongs! Could be Johan Larsson; could be Zemgus Girgensons; could be I have no idea really of what I am talking about! But I’ve got a feeling, baby, and my feelings are never wrong!
Unless you’re talking about my five can’t-miss predictions at the beginning of last season . . . or my Stanley Cup Playoff picks . . . or . . . next!
Someone Out West Will Actually Be Considered for the Hart Memorial Trophy This Season!
Hilarious, right? I mean, who on the East Coast has time to stay uo and watch Western Conference games? YAWN. I’ll base my opinions on who the best players in the NHL are on games that end before 11 p.m., thank you very much!
Sep 24, 2013; Los Angeles, CA, USA; Anaheim Ducks center
Ryan Getzlaf(15) warms up on the ice before the game against the Los Angeles Kings at the Staples Center. Mandatory Credit: Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports
And yet . . . I suppose it was a bit unfair that ALL of last season’s Hart Tropy finalists could be found in the Eastern Conference. (Like it’s our fault that we actually have all of the best players?) There are a few good players out West, like that Ryan Getzlaf guy, and some of the players who played for that team that won the Stanley Cup last year. I guess we can toss them a bone and let them get considered for the Hart, especially if the Ducks can actually make me look good and go all the way.
Winning it, though? Don’t push your luck, westies.
The Worst Team in the NHL Will Average Over Three Goals a Game, Making This the HIghest-Scoring NHL Season EVER
September 27, 2013; Raleigh, NC, USA; Buffalo Sabres goalie
Ryan Miller(30) makes a save in front of Carolina Hurricanes left wing
Drayson Bowman(21) during the 1st period at PNC Center. Mandatory Credit: James Guillory-USA TODAY Sports
The NHL hates you, Ryan Miller.
And you, Corey Crawford.
And you, Martin Brodeur.
And you, Jonathan Quick. Oh, especially you.
Why else would the NHL go to such lengths to make your jobs less secure, if they didn’t hate your guts? I mean, they have to know that shrinking your leg pads by two full inches, which adds up to four less inches of pad with which you can cover your five-hole (that doesn’t sound good, does it?), your numbers are going to reflect poorly on you come the end of the season. In addition, more of you starting goalies are going to find yourselves being yanked more often than you are used to, as one five-hole goal allowed is forgivable, while two is not – and you’re going to be giving up two far more than you want to admit, yes siree.
Backup goaltenders, rejoice!
Seriously – if scoring doesn’t begin to resemble baseball game scores this season, then I’ll spend next season covering women’s curling.
Well there they are – my ridiculous predictions that I back 110%! I swear on my life that every single one of these bold prognostications will come true, or my name isn’t Edward R. Murrow.